Are We Talking About Rocky I Or Rocky II?

Australian coach Brian Goorjian:

“We’ve all seen [...] Rocky. We’re in a tournament, and we get a chance to step up to the plate and take a swipe at the Big Dog. That’s the way I look at it. We’re in a tournament with the best team in the world, and we get to take a swing.

Rocky: tried hard, didn't actually win.

Did you watch the end of Rocky, Brian? Yeah, both fighters get beaten like dogs and, defying the expectations of the boxing elite, the match goes down to the wire. But after that final bell sounds, it’s that cocky bastard Apollo Creed whose hand is lifted in the air, while Rocky — the underdog, beaten and bruised, but not broken — is forced to make do with the love of a good woman.

Do you have some good women lined up, Brian? Will we see Andrew Bogut, bleeding from the brow, screaming in anguish to the woman he loves?

If Brian is talking about the original Rocky, the analogy seems about right; based upon their pre-Olympic meeting — in which the justifiably confident Americans were forced to play hard through the fourth quarter for the first time in their Olympic campaign — the Australians are in a position to draw blood from Team USA.

The idea is that Australia, boasting just one NBA player, and coming off some grotesque form in their early games, will rely on guts, determination, and national pride to see them through. (It’s worth knowing that ‘guts and determination’ have, for decades, been the national cry whenever Australians enter a field upon which we’re likely to lose, from Gallipoli — a fateful Great War battle which has shaped the national consciousness — onwards).

It was ‘guts and determination’ that impressed ball heads back in Atlanta; in pre-Olympic play, Australian point guard Shane Heal — a relatively diminutive long range bomber with a feisty attitude — went chest-to-chest with Charles Barkley, screaming in the Round Mound’s face after copping a hard elbow.

In 1996, Australia was willing to fight, but that just meant they went down fighting. And, barring a genuine miracle, the result will be the same 12 years later.

The Australians will likely test the Americans, and the final margin may even total less than 20, but a loss is a loss, and it will be the Americans who advance. Predictable? Sure. But this isn’t the time for bold predictions which can’t be backed up. This isn’t the time, despite the distant hopes of our small nation, to start writing cheques our players can’t cash.

All we can ask is that our boys go out there and give it a red hot go.

Andrew Bogut.

The Boomers boast quality players. Andrew Bogut’s 23 points against Lithuania (including a surprising 3-3 mark from beyond the arc) showed how dangerous he is from inside out. Back-up point guard Patrick Mills was electrifying — seriously, there is no other word — in that pre-Olympic match, wrecking Chris Paul in transition play, sparking talk of a 2009 draft spot. And 7-footer Chris Anstey boasts years of international experience, a surprisingly soft shooting touch, and an apparent willingness to pick fights with any NBA star.

But that’s not enough. Not nearly.

Pre-Olympic play is one thing. Place these Americans — desperate to win, supported by nearly the entire basketball world — in an elimination match, and you’re likely to meet a completely different beast. This is a team with depth and versatility at every position. They have the strength, speed and energy to clamp down on whatever offense you run (remember the full court press Kobe single-handedly ran against South American teams in their qualifying matches?). And, importantly, they’ve learned how to beat the 2-3 zones teams have thrown at them, leaving opposition teams confused and impotent.

So, expect to see guts and determination from the Australians. But don’t expect to see Rocky II.

Posted By: Anton

Ron Artest: Numerologist

Ron Artest: Numerology 101

While many players show an unnerving commitment to a single jersey number throughout their career, Count favourite and Tru Warrior Ron Artest has demonstrated an unparallelled propensity to change his number mid-career. Officially joining the Rockets roster yesterday, Artest has selected number 96 as his jersey number, the fifth shirt number of his storied career.

We all know that some guys change due to numbers being retired, or jersey numbers being occupied at teams they’re traded to. However, like everything that Ron does, every single number change has a weird and wonderful sense of logic to it, which in his mind is extremely significant and important.

Ron kicked off with number 15 (which was apparently the number that his father wore… until Ron realised, upon consulting his father, that it was actually 51). He then moved to 23, as a tribute to Michael Jordan; I’m sure Jordan appreciated the tip of the hat, especially from a guy who, as a rookie with the Bulls, broke Jordan’s ribs in a friendly pick-up game.

Artest then selected the number 91, a tribute to fellow NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman. Ron moved from 91 after being traded to the Kings, choosing 93, which was a tribute to his roots in Queensbridge, with the 9 apparently looking like a Q and the 3 looking like a B. Go figure.

So, why 96? Surely Ron has an explanation which will come soon. Until then, we can speculate:

- U-96, a German U-boat during World War II, and subject of the film Das Boot?

- The atomic number of curium?

- He was a fan of Class Of ‘96, a short-lived FOX drama series which aired in 1993?

- A tribute to Tupac Shakur, who died in 1996?

- A homage to racy 1970s Australian soap opera Number 96?

- A tribute to the standard resolution on the monitor of an IBM-compatible computer running Microsoft Windows?

Getting inside Artest’s brain is always an exciting challenge, so we’d like to hear your thoughts on what possessed Ron this time.

Posted by: James

Cue Whinging

Europe, yesterday.

In what can only be good for the game, FIBA recently tackled the differing identity of basketball across tournaments and countries.

The FIBA Technical Commission — the advisory body to the FIBA Central Board —  recommended that all competitions falling under FIBA jurisdiction should have their rules amended to effectively mimic NBA rules and court dimensions.

The major changes are found in the introduction of the 24-second shot clock, the 3-point line being pulled back to 23′9″, adopting the NBA-dimension restricted zone and the banning t-shirts worn under uniforms. I’m most pleased about the last, because it shows FIBA is addressing idiocy not only Europe, but in the American college competitions too.

Apparently some European leagues are very upset about this, but no-one should be surprised. We’ll get two years of tantrums until they realise that the more relaxed FIBA court dimensions are half the reason the Americans keep wrecking every other team in the world by more than 30 points. Allowing Lebron, Kobe and Michael Redd to jack up triples from under 20′? You’re just hurting yourself there.

See the link above for a run-down on the rule changes.

Posted by: Alex (with thanks to Ben Ko)

The Reading List: Zombie Chamberlain

Zombie Wilt Chamberlain Leads USA Nightmare Team To Victory.

Credit to The Onion for that fantastic image. (And if, like me, you’d forgotten how funny The Onion is, you should probably read ‘Tim Duncan Staring At Wall Right Now‘).

Over at Odenized, watch Kobe Bryant deck notorious racist (and Laker teammate) Pau Gasol, only to leave him lying on the floor like a wounded caveman. I tell you, if someone released a bootleg DVD packed with footage of the Spanish team getting dunked on, pushed to the floor and, hopefully, viciously insulted, I’d pay good money for it. Really good money. Jason Feng, are you listening?

You’ve no doubt heard Shaquille O’Neal and his comically smaller wife are back together. Good news for them, sure, but terrible for those holding out hope that O’Neal’s new found status as a single man would lead to him challenging the late Wilt’s title as ‘The World’s Greatest Pantsman.’ (Sorry, all you Errol Flynn heads ain’t got nothin’ on The Stilt).

The always enjoyable Britt Robson lays some love on the Redeem Team, including a good three paragraphs justifiably lauding the incredible play of Dwyane Wade. There are a lot of fine words there, but I must admit all I really read was ‘you should definitely pick Wade in the first round of your fantasy draft. He’s totally got first round value.’ No, Robson didn’t exactly say that — indeed, he doesn’t exactly mention fantasy basketball at all — but I’m great at reading between the lines.

Marty Burns at Sports Illustrated previews the West and the East: let’s briefly ignore just how silly and premature these rankings are, and focus on the fact that the usually excellent Burns seems to phoning it in lately.

I mean, sure, the Western Conference is loaded with tough teams, but are the Clippers really that unlikely to make the playoffs? If you put Baron Davis, Marcus Camby, and Chris ‘The German’ Kaman on a team together, you’re going to get some reasonable results, right? Unless, of course, Ricky Davis starts biting journalists during post-game locker room interviews, and demanding his teammates stay up until four each morning playing games of War.

And seriously, the Pacers are the 8th best team in the East? You reckon? Sure, they did reasonably well last year despite Jermaine O’Neal breaking both legs, spraining his jaw, and contracting syphilis, but ranking them above the presumably improved Heat and Bulls seems ludicrous.

PS Stephon Marbury says he’s still keen on heading to Italy. In other news, the residents of New York support this plan.

PPS It’s dark, but apparently this is Chuck Barkley smashing through a bottle of Patron. To paraphrase Jigga Man: ’shots of Patron / now he in the zone / I ain’t talkin’ ’bout the 2-3 / Barkley in the zone’.

Posted By: Anton

Ben Gordon: ‘I’ve Got My Family To Feed’

Ben Gordon: 'mo $$$ pls.'

He may not have children yet, but Ben Gordon seems to be taking financial advice from Latrell Sprewell.

According to the Chicago Tribune, the Gordon contract situation doesn’t look good:

In a new development, Bulls guard Ben Gordon said he wouldn’t sign the Bulls’ one-year qualifying offer of $6.4 million, setting the stage for a possible stalemate.

“I’m definitely not taking it,” Gordon said Friday night at a charity function in New York. “I’ve already expressed that to them. I mean, that’s not an option.”

Gordon still wants more than $10m a year. I’m baffled. Here’s why:

1. Why would the Bulls even want him on their team? Yes, he’s apparently a hard worker, and he practices hard, and he was their leading scorer… but even at the (generously listed) height of 6′3″, he’s ridiculously undersized, and leading a team full of serious underachievers in scoring doesn’t warrant too much praise.

Another problem: his lack of height makes him a serious defensive liability, and a classic target for teams running the high pick-and-roll.

Yet another: the Bulls lack the low-post presence required to free up a shooter like Gordon. Put him on the 76ers, where Brand and Dalembert are clogging up the key, and Ben would be in heaven. Slot him into the Phoenix starting five, with O’Neal and Stoudamire taking up space and drawing double teams, and Ben would work. But in Chicago? Not so useful.

2. Plus, the Chicago roster is absolutely stuffed with shooting guards, with Kirk Hinrich, Larry Hughes, Luol Deng, and Thabo Sefolosha all capable at the two-spot. Hughes’ grotesque contract is impossible to offload, Deng is in Chi-Town to stay, and selling the potential-rich Sefolosha for cheap would be a terrible move, so either Gordon or Hinrich have to go.

3. I can think of just one general manager who could justify spending more than $10m a year on a tiny-sized shooter who offers nothing but offense, and his name is Isiah Thomas. And, unfortunately for Ben Gordon’s pocketbook, Isiah Thomas doesn’t run a team any more.

4. Finally, and most importantly, how can Ben Gordon possibly think he’s worth so much? It seems his agent, Raymond Brothers, has pumped him too full of confidence, promising the world, demanding Gordon expect nothing less than superstar money. But Gordon isn’t a superstar: he’s not worth Antawn Jamison money; he’s not worth Josh Smith money; he’s definitely not worth Steve Nash money.

Posted By: Anton

Want to listen to this story? Download the NBA Countcast (hosting props to the Celeb Warship).

A Milwaukee Lesson In Bad Management

Want a good guy cheap? Call the Bucks now.

Considering the ridiculous glut of small forwards clogging the Bucks’ roster, I understand the need to dump a contract or two.

Indeed, with Desmond Mason, Charlie Villaneuva, Richard Jefferson, and future bust Joe Alexander all on the depth chart at the three-spot — not even mentioning Michael Redd and Charlie Bell, both of whom have spent time, albeit briefly, as swingmen — it was clear at least one of them would have to go.

But that doesn’t explain why they gave away Mason for so little. He may have a replaceable skillset — shoot-first wingmen aren’t too hard to come by — but plenty of teams could have used him, or at least his expiring contract.

As for justifications for gifting Mo Williams away in return for a second-stringer like Luke Ridnour? There are none. It represents yet another reason why Bill Simmons’ campaign to manage the Bucks wasn’t completely preposterous.

Yes, Williams’ contract may have seemed a little too large for the Bucks, especially considering the inexplicably incredible play of back-up Ramon Sessions late last season (remember the second last game of the season, when he dropped 24 dimes on Chicago? Who saw that coming?). And sure, Mo was yet another scorer on a team already packed with bucket fillers.

But letting a sweet shooting (48% from the field in ‘07-’08), easy scoring (17.2 points a game) floor manager go for next to nothing is abominable roster management. If the best offer you can find for your starting point man is seriously a red-headed John Mayer lookalike who couldn’t beat out Earl Watson on the Seattle depth chart, take your finger off the trigger and wait a better offer to hit the inbox. Plus, you’ll be paying Ridnour, and his busted legs, $6.5m per year. Which isn’t good.

You’re telling me the Mason and Mo duo couldn’t bring a bit of frontcourt depth to Milwaukee? (In case you’ve forgotten, when Andrew Bogut needs a rest, the Bucks have two options: Jake Voskuhl and Dan Gadzuric). You’re telling me they couldn’t address their greatest need: someone who is capable of playing defense? You’re telling me Adrian bloody Griffin, who hasn’t averaged more than five points since ‘01-’02, Damon Jones, who isn’t good at anything but sporadically nailing open threes, and Luke Ridnour were the best the Bucks could do?

Good lord.

Only Chris Wallace at the Grizzlies would think a contract dump like this is acceptable, though even he would’ve at least negotiated the inclusion of a 2058 thirteenth round draft pick.

Finally, a quick note on Cleveland: Congratulations Danny Ferry, you finally did something right. Another team offered you a top-notch starting point guard in return for mediocrity, and you accepted.

Posted By: Anton